I Miss You

November the 5th commemorates Guy Fawkes, it is the night that people use an excuse to get drunk under the sky light and stars. A display of fireworks are the main attractions with sparklers that young children play with. Dogs are often hidden behind closed doors and the public are next to their close ones just basking in this amorous celebration.

It is however the day that my Grandad past away 16 years ago and as I remember I have never gone out on this night since I can remember. I suppose being 23 doesn’t change much for the emotional scarring that leaves me not wanting to leave the safety of home. In a way I feel that symbolically it’s my inability to move on from that moment all those years ago and as vivid as those fireworks shoot into the sky like glitter, I remember. Without going into too much detail, it was just something an 8 year old did not have to pay witness to.

Having to deal with loss is a game changer, seeing death is very different than seeing life. This stage is inevitable and that’s when you realise that every moment takes you close to this point. Sometimes it’ll push you to live harder, love more and strive for better. But more times it just keeps you at a stand still, without the cause to move forward but being propelled that way because life moves on even if you don’t want to. I grew up even when I wanted to stay in the place where he was still alive with me. As I write this, my collection of memories puts a smirk on my face and remember all over again to the point his presence exists again next to me.

The lesson here is you can carry a lifetime of memories, thoughts, feels and take them with you. The weight of emotional baggage is something much definite, it can paralyse you and stunt your growth. And though I have grown older, looks have matured and I am now a woman, these moments take me back as if to remind me that looking to the past is good way to see where you are going, keeps you well directed on course. But don’t baby girl for a minute try to replace good memories for new ones that are yet to be made.

That’s why we have history, we write our own legacy.

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